“Me Too”

It’s hard to see all of the “me toos”, but since I have been somewhat vocal about my rape I am not surprised. Since I shared my story, “me too” has been the most frequent response.

Dozens of women have reached out to me over the past five years, looking for solace in someone else who would understand. Twice, the person reaching out was a victim in the previous 24 hours looking for advice. They are everywhere.

I spoke up not for my own protection, but to hopefully deter my abuser from ever putting his hands on someone else. If he did, my statements at the very least could possibly help a future victim. My case was thrown out by the DA for conflicting testimonies before it ever made it to trial. I said he did, he said he didn’t – it was to be expected.

I wish I could say I was stronger from this, but I just can’t. I feel so beaten down. The local police department tried to charge my abuser as if he had disabled me because the truth is, he did. PTSD has been debilitating.

I feel like who I once was has been stolen from me. I used to be so motivated, so energetic. What I used to find joy in I simply can’t anymore. It has been almost 3 years since I’ve had the ability to go back onstage. I just can’t have that many eyes on me anymore. I used to have such joy in it, it used to give me life, but my rapist is an actor – that’s how I met him -and that environment is too triggering now. I don’t recognize myself from who I was before. He stole the light in my life and I’m still struggling to find it.

I’ve been strong but I still blame myself constantly. What if I never let this older man into my life? What if I tried to stop it sooner? What if I had somewhere to run? Looking back I realize nothing would have stopped him.

You aren’t alone. I don’t know what else to say.

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